I usually try to keep things lighthearted because, let's face it, if I wanted to whine on the internet, there's already a long line of people who've beaten me to the punch. But I can't talk to my friends about this, because I'm sure they already know and have discussed it ad nauseum, and the confirmation of that will piss me right the fuck off. So instead I'm going to whine to the entire digital world.
In that spirit, here's a bit of maudlin personal info that's gonna bring everyone down: I'm lonely. I don't mean lonely as in 'There's no one around today', I mean lonely as in feelings of extreme isolation and questioning if I'm ever going to be really happy again. The experts say probably not. I had a pretty bad car wreck a few years ago which I walked away from without a scratch. Its occurred to me lately that its possible that wasn't for the best. I was enjoying a high point in my life at the time, and I could've gone out feeling on top. Woulda, coulda, shoulda.
Here's a tale you've heard before, and, surprise surprise, it involves a woman. We've been friends for a long time, blah blah blah, I like her, she doesn't like me, old story, old story, I swallow my feelings for a long time because I know she doesn't feel the same, over a year later my feelings for her are stronger then ever, it's killing me not to tell her, eventually I tell her everything and come on WAY too strong, and, she confirms she doesn't feel the same, which is the inevitable hammer blow to the heart I spent over a year being a big pussy trying to avoid. Now that I've established myself as any number of the ridiculous, whiny vagina-men you've seen on popular sitcoms, you can probably understand her disinterest.
Here's the part I wasn't expecting; she's still wants to be my friend. I thought for sure that was off the table, because I knew I was coming on too strong. I've come to realize that holding in love is like holding in a fart; the longer you keep it in, the louder and less pleasant its going to be on the way out, especially for those around you. But sometimes you gotta fart, and damn the consequences. So it is with unspoken love. God, I'll never understand why Hallmark didn't hire me.
Anyway, a bunch of us get together every Wednesday night, and just a couple of hours beforehand, I find out that, not only does she have a new guy - AND WHEN THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN? - but he'll be there tonight. I immediately crashed. What had already been a bad week professionally and financially took a sharp turn straight into absolute shit personally as well. I was snappy with people the rest of the day. When I got out of work, I noticed it was taking me a long time to get to my car. I realized it was because I was taking little, slow baby steps, like I was on my way to my own execution. I was unconsciously avoiding seeing her with anybody else.
When I got there, things were just as bad as they could get. His name is "Brian", which I think we can all agree is most certainly the shittiest name in the world. He's a nice guy, which infuriated me, because I wanted really badly to genuinely dislike him for good reasons. She's been seeing him for a while and hasn't said anything; their body language made that pretty clear. She had some of his laundry she had done. She's comfortable enough around him to dress down and go without makeup, which I've only ever seen her do with her friends. It could be that I'm reading far too much from very little exposure to them, but it looked to me like they have one of those very relaxed, easy going relationships, which I know from experience are the very best kind of all, because they're full of adoration and trust. That's exactly the kind I thought she and I could have. That was loads of fun to see.
She talked directly to me a lot more than she usually does. I suspect, because she is not a moron, that she knew I was bothered and was trying to gauge my mood. I played it cool, because I'm a guy, and that's the first lesson in the guy manual: "Play it cool, especially when its not." She talked to me comfortably and at length, which she rarely ever does for whatever reason, and we had a great conversation, and I was witty and charming, and the room loved me. Seriously, I was on my game that night. But every time something clever came out of my mouth, what that old primordial male wiring in my head was really saying is "Why the fuck is your arm around her? Why is your hand on her knee? Don't come around and feel free to touch her like you've known her for years, fucknut, because you haven't. This is my pack and my territory, and you're acting a little too comfortable in it for my taste. I'm twice your size, and I've been cataloging your vulnerable spots since I laid eyes on you. Don't push your fucking luck, jackass; this is thin ice."
I don't say these things, of course. But every cell in my body feels them. Why doesn't she find me suitable? Am I too old? Probably. She dates young. I'm four years her senior, and he's three years younger than her. Is it because I've let myself get fat? Yes. Women are attracted to healthy looking men, just like men are attracted to healthy looking women. Is it because of this, or that, or a litany of other reasons that keep hammering inside my head, screaming out "She doesn't love you. She will never love you. You are not good enough"? If I knew that, I wouldn't be writing this, would I?
My friend Mark, whom I love very much despite what you'll read in the next paragraph, is the one I want least to get his hands on this info. That's why I haven't told any of my friends about this blog. I immerse myself in everything I do, and I'm very open about pretty much everything under the sun with my friends and family. But not this blog. This one's just for me.
As for Mark, I see him more than any of my other friends. More than most of my family. But I don't talk to him about stuff like this, ever. Mark is like a French prick; he thinks everyone's emotional suffering is funny except his own, which he laments and bemoans like it the fucking Apocalypse. Its one of those awful personal qualities in a friend that you loathe, but have to decide to look past because you want to remain friends, so I ignore it. Except when its directed at me, then I unleash a gout of rage at him you would swear came straight from the demonic blowhole of Moby Dick himself. Its a balance we've struck. You may think this sounds like a fucked up friendship, but I think if you'll examine the relationships you have with your friends, you have something similar. We all do.
Anyway, the reason I bring him up is that a while back she and I were starting to get closer as friends; having little in-jokes, sticking up for each other in conversations, holding conversations together off to the side while other people were having conversations around us, you know the drill. Mark is gay and was clearly worried that if she were to get closer to me he would lose her as his fag-hag. So he did everything he could to sabotage it. It was very overt, and others even commented on it. He did everything he could to damage me getting close to her. Now that he's in a relationship, he has no further need for her services, mind you, so its okay if she's got a guy now. It just wasn't okay then. And despite that I don't know for certain if he knows or ever knew how much I like her, I'm not sure I'm ever going to forgive him for that, for what its worth. Its not worth much. Occasionally, though, I see his behavior and I understand why society looks down on gay men and stereotypes them they way they have. Its because they've earned it.
So what's the deal with the video? Simple; its the loneliest song I've ever heard, and it keeps running through my head. You know, because I'm a cliche of a human being. How pathetic am I? I swear I sometimes have to reach down and feel my testicles to be sure they're still there.
When it comes down to it, I guess I'm just writing a confession, as stupid as that sounds. I'm getting it off my chest. I've screwed up my life, I'm alone, and now I'm horribly lonely, and its getting unbearable. I had the most perfect woman for me imaginable and I fucked it up. Now, after a very long time, I finally found someone I could feel something for again, and I fucked that up, too. And I feel even worse because I've watched the girl that I'd be good with being good with someone else. I fucked up with her in so many ways I bet I couldn't even remember them all if I had to. Its like Led Zeppelin says, "Oh, its nobody's fault but mine."
I really don't have any sort of hope for some miraculous bright future. I don't believe in miracles. What this all boils down to is that I'm screaming a very selfish "I'm sorry" with all these words I'm typing, hoping in some small way to feel better for it, but, seriously, folks, that's just a lie I'm telling myself. There is no magic happiness pill. I feel bad, and that's probably not going to change. There's no one out there to grant me any kind of forgiveness I could believe in, and even if there were, what good would it do me? None.
I really thought writing this would help me feel better, but it hasn't. This has begun to feel self indulgent and childish, and that's making me feel worse. Seeing as I've nothing more to add anyway, I'll end it here. Everybody have a good weekend.
11 comments:
I'm really sorry Chris. I know that whatever I write down here isn't going to help much, or make it better. I just want you to know that I have heard you, and I empathize. That is the suckiest situation to be in, to be in love with someone who just wants to be friends... I don't have any good advice, or words of wisdom... I've been there too, and all I can offer you is a big, warm virtual hug and tell you that I'm sending good wishes in your direction. *comfort*
~A
Now, that's tough.
One might say that writing it out makes you feel better, as during writing you incorporate and analyze it within yourself, but I see from Anniina's comment that this does not work for her. It works for me, but it seems it soed not for every one.
One might also say other things, right from one's heart and with only good will in mind, but that would be a bit lame for who this one is to judge or advice you, who this one rarely knows?
So, I only would like to express my sympathy, if that is to any extent of any help.
:( Will you accept a manly comforting hug?
(szelsofa, anniina was saying that nothing she wrote would really make chris feel any better. You are right, sometimes writing this kind of stuff done does help, in and of itself)
Oh, Mophia, I see now that I misunderstood Anniina. Thanks for making it clear.
Yeah, I do think writing can be an outlet. And sharing something with people who might never have met you, but still care about you, helps. It's a way to connect when one feels lonely and isolated, and to know that there is love in the world, even when it all seems dark.
Much thanks for the love, guys. Sincerely.
I'm not good with despair. Despite my geekiness and love of sci-fi and ninjas and all that crap, I'm very much a guy at heart. I'm not good at sitting around feeling bad; I have to find something to direct my energy at and DO something. For once, I think I'm actually doing something kind of constructive.
In an effort to alleviate how I was feeling, I thought about who else out there might be lonely, and if I could help them. It was a very selfish motive, because ultimately I was really just trying to help me. But aren't they all?
It occurred to me that there are a lot of people who are lonely that no one will ever be able to help because they either aren't telling anyone how they feel, or for whatever reason they can't. I'll bet the majority of lonely people in the world fall into this category; I know I held my feelings back for a damn long time before posting. A lot of people will NEVER tell anyone how they feel, because it feels like such a selfish, childish, whiny thing to do. I know that's why I held back for so long. Unfortunately, I had to face the fact that since I will never know that they feel isolated, there's nothing I can do for them.
So I looked around for any organization that might know of someone who is without anybody to watch out for them, and I came across Soldiers' Angels. Its similar to the Adopt-A-Soldier program. There are people in the armed forces without anyone to write to them. When unit heads notice someone standing around for mail call and they repeatedly get nothing, they can sign the person up with Soldiers' Angels, and they get someone like me to write to them, and to write back to if they want.
Since my grandfather was in the Navy, I went a slightly different route; I joined Sailors' Angels. They gave me the name of a sailor who doesn't have anyone, and now she does.
I know I said I was being selfish, and that's true, but its NOT a dating service, so don't think I was looking for a hook-up. It didn't even occur to me that my sailor would he a woman until they gave me her name. I asked to be given the name of someone who doesn't have anybody, wherever I could do the most good, and now that I think about it, its probably best that she's a woman. I can do more good there.
No offense intended to the girls, but I've noticed that women don't handle being alone or lonely nearly as well as guys do. We humans are all social animals, but the female half is far more socially oriented and dependent than they guys in my experience. FAR more. Lonely guys tend to get surly, but they also tend to seek out other lonely guys and become less lonely by clustering. Lonely women tend to further isolate themselves and get self destructive. Before you take up arms in a rush to defend your gender, ladies, just consider it; I think you'll find it to be true. I'm not saying my sailor is like that, but if there's a chance I can help prevent that, then so much the better.
So I've written my first letter, and I feel a lot better, actually. So much better that I went to the post office this morning and got some boxes to make her a care package (the post office gives away really nice flat rate shipping boxes for free; I had no idea). Like I said, completely selfish. But if I can take two negative things like my own heartbreak and selfishness and wring from them a little bit of positivity in the form of relief for myself and someone else, then I’m gonna do it. Maybe I can prevent her from feeling as bad as I felt, or, if its too late for that, maybe I can bring her up some. Its only fair; she’s already helped me without even knowing it. Really, when it comes down to it, I owe her one.
Wow Chris,
That's awesome. I feel ashamed I never thought to look for someone else to help out when I'm feeling bad - I usually just sit around feeling sorry for myself.
As for women being more socially oriented and tending to isolate themselves when they feel bad, no argument here. I don't handle loneliness or sadness well, I really need someone with whom to share, good and bad.
Can you please share this Angels program's website, if they have one?
I think you rock.
*hugs*
Anniina
Sailors' Angels
I've never heard of this service, but as Chris describes it it does makes sense. And I see how partly it was a selfsh decision, but, Chris will probably make another person feel better, so, instead of feeling sick and alone, he helps not himself alone, but another person, too.
That is great!
And we did know you have a heart, no matter how hardly you try to hide it. :-P
Of course I have a heart. All ninjas have hearts. But we remove them from our chests with our bare hands and keep them in a safe place guarded by the blackest of forbidden ninja magicks. I'm not gonna tell you where my heart is, mind you, but I will tell you this: I am a big Tony Bennett fan, and if you go there, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair. That's all I'm gonna say.
Hehehehehe. I'm gonna steal your ninja heart... I know just where it is.
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