Bunch of random crap...

First, I just found this amusing:

Second, my cousin H-Bomb and myself decided to see The Number 23 last Friday. We hit the bar first, where I drank my dinner and got incredibly fucked up. As soon as I sat down in the theatre I passed out on her shoulder. I can’t tell you anything about the movie. All I remember was Jim Carrey doing a lot of addition, and the vague feeling that the movie was annoying. After waking me up several times because I was snoring, she decided we should leave. I’d feel bad about ruining the evening, but, as we all know, I don’t have a soul.

In other news... I got a ticket two weeks ago for running a stop sign, which I didn't do. As many of you may recall, I've been pulled over dozens of times, and each time I was guilty as hell, but this time I really didn't do it. I've been pretty pissed about it, mostly because of the cop's shitty attitude, and I decided to fight the ticket instead of just paying it. Went to court this morning, sat there with a LOT of drunks and one amazingly hot-ass 24 year old girl from Indiana who got a DUI with a 2.1 blood alcohol level. How is she not dead? And where can I find her that drunk again and take advantage of the situation? Oh, wait, I know where; under house arrest in Indiana.

But that's beside the point. The point is I've never fought a ticket before, nor have I ever been to court, so I went in not knowing what to expect. If you've never been to the Campbell County, KY District Court before either, here's how it goes: take every stupid, angry, unwashed drunk you've ever seen on Cops, set them all in a room full of church pews FAR earlier than they're used to being conscious, add a dash of old fart prosecuting attorney with a shitty attitude, plus one - and I'm not kidding here at all - totally awesome judge, and let the circus begin.

I don't know jack shit about the letter of the law, but it was fairly clear that the judge was fucking INCREDIBLE at her job. She was laughing with the defendants, she would poke fun at herself when she made a mistake, she was patient, she was extremely fair, and she was completely unafraid to lay the hammer down when someone pushed her or the law too far. She was just like Harry Stone, but without all the rubber chickens and Mel Tormé. When hot-ass Elizabeth from Indiana gave her flak about her sentence, Judge said, in a much kinder, more motherly tone than these words would suggest, "You know what? I don't think you're taking this seriously. I think some jail time will straighten that out. And you're arguing with me. I don't suppose you understand how bad an idea that is at this point." I think she was just trying to scare her, which worked, because Liz freaked. She was terrified of going to jail, and eventually the judge reduced it to house arrest. I'm sure everyone totally saw it coming, but it was still a good show.

Sometime later the mean old bastard prosecutor, who I'm sure yells at kids to stay off his lawn and keeps any baseballs that land in his yard, was convinced he was going to save the world by preventing a guy who was driving on a suspended license from ever doing it again. Judge was kindly, patiently spelling out to the tard in question exactly what he had to do to prevent from fucking his life up any further, when Coot Jenkins, District Attorney pipes up with "He's got five priors for driving without a license! I'd bet anything he's just going to walk out of here and do it again!" It sounded like he was taking the whole thing personally. The judge pointed out, and this is when I became her biggest fan, that society would not be bettered by depriving this man of his means to get to work and thereby hold a job, and that the court was there to provide solutions to problems. And that's when ol' Coot fuckin' snapped.

"SOMETIMES YOU CAN'T SOLVE! SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO PUNISH!" It was fantastic. My jaw dropped. It was exactly like being on the set of a comic book movie when the superstar villain makes his angriest tirade. A thing of wonder. The judge looked at him, and calmly, with as much smart-ass as you could possibly cram into four little words, said, "Well, today we're solving." The courtroom broke up at that; even the people who were bound for jail were laughing at his hateful old ass. The crusty old prospector prosecutor just slumped in his chair, defeated, angry, and embarrassed. I might go to court more often just to watch shit like this do down. It was kind of fun.

Just like on Cops, the people there were incredibly, amazingly incapable of shutting the fuck up. The judge said to the court no fewer than four times in the two hours I was there "You are being recorded. If you keep talking, you WILL incriminate yourselves." But they just kept going. Six people that I recall talked themselves into a harsher punishment after she had already given them a more lenient sentence. What was even worse is that the old codger of a prosecutor wasn't aware of half the shit these people had on their records until they pointed it out, because he was too busy sitting there practicing his scowl. These dumb bastards weren't being interrogated, they were just straight up telling on themselves. It was like I was sitting in the confessional at an all Down Syndrome mass. It was unreal.

When the judge called my name I was feeling pretty good. I had my arguments and evidence all lined up in my mind, I was happily free of any prior convictions for anything at all, and I was supremely confident that I could achieve the relatively simple goal of recognizing when I was winning, and then ceasing all speech. She asked me how I plead, I said, "Not guilty," and that's when my world collapsed. She said, "Okay then, we'll hold this over for a bench trial. We'll get the officer in question in here and we'll see what they have to say."

WHAT THE FUCK?? All the muliple DUI offenders, shoplifters, check bouncers, freebasers, wifebeaters, and illegal Mexican drunkards who plead 'not guilty' got to go right then! Why not me?! You're going to let these fucking degenerates walk, while I, whose huge crime against society which I didn't even commit was running a fucking stop sign, have to come back and sit through all this shit again?! Jesus. Mother. Fucking. Christ.

God forbid I was going to argue with her - I'd seen the unhappy ending to that little fairy tale - and there was no way I was going to back down and change my plea after spending all damn morning there. So now I have to fucking go back next month. Sure its a hassle, but I made my decision and I'm sticking to it. Besides, it'll be a fun story when I get to tell you all about the time I called a cop a liar in court for not doing her job.

Stay tuned for Part Two of 'The Case Of That One Time Chris Got Pulled Over By The Heinous White Trash Gutterslut Cop Bitch From Beyond Hell.'